I was so excited when I saw those 2 little lines on the pregnancy tests. But then it was all down hill from there!
Welcome to my first blog as Case of the Momdays. I am here simply to give a slight humorous touch to the tough life of motherhood, pregnancy, labour, all of it. Be advised. I swear. A lot. Like a sailor. Worse than a sailor. You've been warned. Just saying. And I feel like I should preface this blog with a 'first of all'.
First of all, I am not an expert in pregnancy and what to expect. Everyone has a different experience when pregnant. This isn't a blog for helpful tips and tricks because I did not find any that worked. For me, those tips and tricks you find during your google searches while pregnant, weren't exactly all that helpful. Nothing really I searched was spot on accurate for how my pregnancies went down. So here is my story, the good..yeah there wasn't a lot of good (besides the babies themselves, obviously). The bad, there was a fair amount of bad, and the ugly ,and boy was I fugly.
So let's just begin with, pregnancy is fucking rough. Making a human is beyond difficult. It is not for the faint of heart. What kills me though, considering how miserable I was pregnant, there are some bitches out there that make every stage of pregnancy look like a walk in the park. Just breezing on by, in four inch heels like there isn't a ten pound bowling ball hanging off the front of them. I wanted everybody to feel as uncomfortable as I was. On multiple occasions, I saw pregnant woman who were either equal, or perhaps even more pregnant than I was, looking like absolute smoke shows. Then pan over my way and I looked like Jabba the Hutt. Just absolutely glistening from grease and sweat. That pregnancy glow everyone raves about...Just your greasy sweat catching the light. But good for you, if you are that pregnant woman who can just make babies like it's nothing at all. I wish I could have rocked it, but oh well, that wasn't me!
Neither of my two pregnancies gave me all the feels! Now, I was excited, of course I was excited! But you read all the books, or hit the google magic button about pregnancies, and you find all these posts about the magic of pregnancy, or the blatant lies that things get better some where down the road. I am here to tell you that that is CRAP!!!! For me at least. For example; heartburn. Like you are being cooked from the inside with a blow torch on high, and you cannot take anything that will do any kind of damage to this internal inferno. You get calcium tablets...sure they take the edge off but there's a lingering burning through out (for me, not everyone). Both pregnancies from start to finish. Just a crock pot of crap. Cooking away on a not so low burn all day and night. Some research will also tell you that sleeping at a slight incline in your bed will help you feel relief. But how are you suppose to sleep on an incline if you can't sleep on your back Mister Magic Google post!!!! Huh!! Riddle me that!
Now sleeping pregnant is a whole other story entirely! Good luck!! Sleeping pregnant is a cruel joke. You should be getting as much sleep before baby comes as you possibly can. But the restless sleeps kick in during pregnancy, with baby moving, or having to pee, whatever it may be. Who needs sleep anyway! Gives you some practice on functioning on as little sleep possible when the new one comes I suppose. But there is always a concerned citizen who tells you to "bank" your sleep...What the actual fuck is "banking" sleep? I do not have sleep fairies out there catching ungotten 'Zzz's Carol. Don't say shit like that to a pregnant woman, you could get the shit kicked out of you.
Then, say you can get some sleep but there is this real life clusterfuck called "morning sickness". Which, if you actually get it in the morning, will wake your ass up from a deep slumber. Now bless you if you manage to roll your pregnant ass out of bed in time to make it to the toilet. Also, it does not just occur in the morning let me tell you. I was one of the lucky ones who got it all day. I should start off by saying that I never once threw up in my first trimester with either Zoe or Everett. I am also lucky in the sense I did not suffer from hyperemesis gravidarum. But I did feel like a hot steamy pile of garbage basically from conception in both pregnancies. But again, I read that the second trimester was going to be fucking A. MAZE. ING. Nay nay. I counted down to my second trimester on a calendar. Thinking, "Yes finally going to feel what everyone talks about. I am going to feel energized, get my appetite back." Did I mention I lost weight with both my pregnancies! What the shit is that about! Aren't I suppose to get to eat whatever I want when I want. Send my husband out, in the middle of the night, for like something outrageous, like pickle flavoured ice cream. But low and behold, second trimester rolls in and I THROW UP! Every day. At dinner. Just gone. Or the best part, when I was brushing my teeth. Think on that for a moment. I would brush my teeth, BLAM!!!! What a waste of toothpaste! What the hell Pregnancy Gods. Where is my magical second trimester when I was suppose feel almost normal. Okay, I understand that books and posts give a general idea of what could happen, not necessarily what WILL happen. I get it, I'm not naive to think I would have a run of the mill pregnancy, but one can hope can't she! I was pissed when I got none of the perks of pregnancy, and all the shit. Well, most shit. I know it could have been worse. But nothing was worse than...
Now I do not know for sure if this is a symptom of pregnancy, but I had them with both kids. That being said, not one google search brought me to the potential possibility of the hell on earth that is kidney stones. Perhaps I am a big dope head who missed that part. Who knows. But really. Why is that a thing? For someone whose body is already being put through some real tough shit. Creating another whole human. Let's add in one of the most excruciating pain there is. A nurse told me when I was pregnant with Zoe, that it was worse than labour. She a liar! Labour was SOOOOO much worse. But you get a sweet little baby after labour. What do you get after having shitty kidney stones! More kidney stones!!! But I digress. Again, I don't truly remember if kidney stones were a direct result of my being knocked up. Could be a coincidence, I suppose. All I know is that it was adding insult to some serious injury. I had some terrible ones with my first pregnancy, that I went to the hospital twice for a dose of morphine. I had one with my second pregnancy that was unbearable, but Julian was working, my dad worked almost an hour away, and going to the hospital with a toddler didn't seem ideal. So I suffered through, constantly reminding myself that I would be suffering worse soon enough. If you have already had kidney stones, you tend to be prone to them. Also should be said that, even though I drank oceans worth of water during both pregnancies. I was soooo thirsty. Like Jim Carrey in Me, Myself and Irene, when he had cotton mouth, thirst. But rarely peed. I'm not sure where my bladder ended up during my pregnant times, but never had an issue of feeling the need to pee. So, kidney stones develop. If you take anything from this blog, let it be that. Pee frequently, even if you don't feel the need. You're welcome.
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