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Breastfeeding gives life, while simultaneously draining my life

caseofthemomdays

I am lucky to be able to breastfeed. But am I really....?

I have had a tough time writing a blog this week. I had my 31st birthday. So we had dinner one night, then a lunch, then another dinner on the actual day. Omfg it was a lot. Especially, when I don't give a whole lot of shits about my birthday anyway. Then Zoe started preschool this week, which was stressing me out like crazy. I was working on an another blog, and thought I would get that out first but, I am having a tough time with breastfeeding lately, with blocked ducts and now the worst chapped nipples I have ever experienced, so I wanted to bitch about that for a moment.


 

I am not here to shame the moms who either chose to use formula, or if you didn't have the choice at all. Whether you breastfeed, exclusively pump bottles, or use formula. As long as your baby is fed and happy, you do you! You're doing awesome however you want to feed your baby. Sometimes I am jealous of the ease of formula. Just pop a bottle of water, and the powder out and you are off to the races. It's not always easy to find a place to sit and get your cover out and pop the ole boob out, especially if you don't have nursing shirts. Because, lets face it those are funking expensive! Then say you have a toddler trying to run around like a crazy person. I wasn't and am not skilled enough to do it while walking around like some moms I see, they are my heroes. A bottle is definitely easier. That being said, I do pump, but I am so fucking weird about using my milk bags. Like someday there will be a huge demand for milk and I will single handidly save the human race with my stock pile of liquid white gold.

 

It is a weird sensation when the nurse puts your first baby on your tit for the first time. I was incredibly uneducated about breastfeeding. My mom and my MIL were formula moms. So when Zoe was born and she gets put on the nip and that was my crash course in nursing! But honestly, I think my lack of knowledge is a big reason why I had a difficult time feeding Zoe. My supply suffered the whole year she had breast milk. Even with a prescription to help with production. I'm not sure why I was so oblivious to what went in to breastfeeding. I don't know what I was reading but I definitely done fucked up not reading more about it. But knowing what I know now, I could have done a better job. Seemed like I was always struggling with supply. Maybe because I was not a fan of the cluster feeding. I don't think I put enough effort into trying to ride out the cluster feeds. We would supplement with formula with Zoe instead. As new parents, Julian and I were just trying to survive this new normal, instead of me trying to nurse her as long as I could, because I had no idea what the shit I was doing!! I remember on numerous occasions it felt like I wasn't making enough, then in a panic we would get a thing of formula instead of just sticking to it. Then sometimes looking back, I wonder if it was even a nursing issue Zoe was having. Like maybe it was just gas, or she was tired, or whatever. But those thoughts come with wisdom of having my second kid. Having Everett broadened my breastfeeding horizons greatly.


 

I was lucky enough to get to breastfeed my children. It's an amazing experience. I understand there are women who wish they could breastfeed. I get it. But it also has its struggles. With being the only source of food for your baby for the first few weeks. The husbands with their useless nipples, just sleep, not have to worry about whipping your tit out in public, and if your baby is freaking sometimes that's an added hurdle you gotta get around. **I'm just bitchin for bitchin sake, because I know there's dudes out there that would help, Julian is one of them who will gladly feed the babies when I just can't, but my tits hurt after the blocked ducts and bloody red nipples, so the men are getting some shit, deal with it!!!** Then there's leaking, slacker boobs, pumping, which is a whole other job. The cluster feedings, which made me guess I had low supply with Zoe. Even after having Zoe, and reading things about breastfeeding, to you know be smart about shit, and knowing of cluster feeding, that it wasn't about supply, but about the babies growing which is a good thing. I still automatically went "I'm not making enough!" She was always healthy and following her growth chart fine, so it was just my crazy, first time mother brain, making me act like a lunatic! But it's warranted. Can't give a woman who just had a baby, especially her first baby, any flack for having some anxiety over the well being of the baby. You're gonna think crazy shit but its all good!

 

So let's get down to the some more shitty shit of breastfeeding. Latching. The way my nips are looking, I still haven't figured out the perfect latch, or I've just gotten lazy with Everett lately. But Zoe would fight me when I would get a good latch and pull on it till the tips were the only thing in there. What a bitch. I told her I wouldn't have much sympathy if she breastfeeds her kids and they give her trouble, because she totes deserves it! Sore nipples with Zoe was also due a lot to the fact that she was my first and I had never nursed before. So I got some Medela nipple cream, and all was well. Nipple cream is your friend. I got some Lansinoh cream now and it works just as good. But that shit is going to happen. Not much you can do but just push through. Can't stop nursing because you got red nips, or you'll lose your supply. It's a vicious cycle. The same problem I am currently going through. Luckily with Everett I have a better stock pile in the freezer so I just skipped a few feedings and gave him the bottle instead and today I am better. Still sore but manageable. I also use breast milk on sore nips that helps loads!! Breast milk is magic healing sauce for sore nipples.


 

Now, if you have a hard time latching, you won't get the best suction on your boobs, so you could possibly end up with blocked ducts. Holy shit do those things hurt!!! They feel like a rock hard lump in your boob, which can be deceptively scary AF. I went into a slight panic, thinking it could be the worst case scenario. Even though, you know that blocked ducts happen, and breastfeeding is suppose to reduce your risk of breast cancer. Anyway, so you nurse and pump and nurse and pump this boob, or put a hot compress on it. Massage it like crazy to a painful degree. So now it hurts because you don't leave the poor thing alone. You can't win. I just got over a blocked duct and it was quite possibly the worst one I have had! It hurt like a motherfucker! Right at the bottom of my boob. On the boob that doesn't always have this biggest supply. There's apparently a better boob than the other. My right tit is like a damn water hose! A fireman's hose attached to fire hydrant. Like I had to pump it a bit before putting newborn Everett on it, so he didn't drown. Blocked ducts are no joke! They will take your breath away, then say your toddler drops the People's Elbow from the top ropes on it. Is it just me, or are toddler elbows sharper than anything else on planet earth?

 

I find that different positions help too. I always saw women out and about who could just basically do the cradle position one handed like champions! With Zoe, I never had that skill. I don't know why I couldn't manage it. I even practiced like a loser when we were at home instead of using a nursing pillow. Then on the odd occasion when I could successfully do it, she would shit and it would almost 99.9% of the time be a blow out and go up out the top of her pants onto my pants. Just my luck. Living my best life in shit covered pants. I always needed two hands. One to hold the head and the other to cup the boob away from the nose so they didn't suffocate. The time you don't want big knockers, is when trying not to smother your children. Even now with Everett, I am a little more comfortable with nursing, but by no means a pro, I still mostly need two hands and my undivided attention. But sweet old Everett doesn't make it easy anyway cause he's too funking nosy. He hates being under the cape, because he wants to see where he is. I'm sure I've flashed a few folks some side boob *wink wink*. Or he will full on turn his head with my nipple still firmly rooted in his mouth. I will tell you that I am not Mr Fantastic, my nipples do not stretch! I do mostly the cross cradle position, but I'm still two handing it. Making sure he doesn't fall off, and the other hand is holding the food vessel in place!

 

Now, we are slowly approaching the age with Everett, when I stopped day nursing Zoe. She became such a little biter. She did it a few times when she was harmless and toothless. Now, even without teeth it hurt like hell, but then when she sprouted those sweet little bottom teeth, Lord have mercy!! Zoe got her bottom teeth around 6 months, which was basically right at the beginning of when they're suppose to start getting them so that's great. Once she got those teeth she thought she could bite everything. There were very few feeds she didn't bite me. I became so nervous, which I am sure did not help, when I nursed her that she would bite me. I googled "how to get babies to stop biting". You yell out and startle them so they don't do it again, I thought that one was mean. Didn't phase her at all. You're suppose to stop nursing if they bite, to show that its not okay. That didn't work either. I suffered for 2 months and so at 8 months, I finally just said, "you know what, you get bottles during the day now". Now you think this would give me some freedom, and I just can't put my finger on why this happened, but Zoe never held her own bottle. Never is a long time, and this was a while ago, so maybe my memory is bad. But, I am fairly certain that she rarely held her own bottle. I know at nap and bed time she didn't. So nothing changed other than I didn't feed her from my breast. I still nursed her when she woke in the night for awhile because I figured a sleepy baby was less likely to take a bite out of me. Now my sweet buddy Everett, is 7 months and still has no sign of teeth breaking through. But he is in fact teething. He has gotten me a few times, and I try those tricks I learned from my daughters gnawing days. He does not like when I yell out in pain so maybe I will get to nurse him the year! We will see. Those teeth still scare me though like I'm feeding a baby shark **doo doo doo doo doo**.

 

The point of the story is, breastfeeding is beautiful. Feeding your children, no matter the form, is amazing. I am lucky to be able to do it. But my kids make it hard for me to really love it. I'm cooking under the nursing cape, trying to blow on their heads to keep them from getting hot. You chapped my nipples because they think the nipples will go where they go, like a bendy straw. I had a golf ball smack dab under my nipple, getting knocked around like it was in a round of 18 holes! I have to pump and excess, so I won't ruin my clothes, but I have two kids and work to do so I forget to pump, and I have ruined my clothes. Got a lot of shirts that are essentially a road map to the coveted location of my nipples. But I am glad I am doing it, I would do it again, but I will bitch again.

 
 
 

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